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Advice column meme from Lytton

Ask any character I've written for advice, and he or she will provide it, advice columnist style. Fictional characters' problems are welcome too.



For additional giggles, read how I totally corrupted her meme here.

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( 59 comments — Leave a comment )
lovelylytton
Mar. 27th, 2011 07:03 pm (UTC)
Dear Darien,

there is this girl I like, but there is a lot standing between us (eternal damnation, treason, this unfortunate incident of kicking her out of my bed after she broke her vow of chastity for me). I hope to win her over in the next two or three centuries though. Any pointers?

Hopeful,

Trying-to-go-three-days without-Drinking

venusorbit1
Mar. 27th, 2011 07:07 pm (UTC)
depends man. what does she look like


-D


Sent from Iphone
(no subject) - lovelylytton - Mar. 27th, 2011 07:10 pm (UTC) - Expand
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Subject: Show some respect - lovelylytton - Mar. 27th, 2011 07:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Subject: Show some respect - venusorbit1 - Mar. 27th, 2011 10:33 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Subject: Show some respect - lovelylytton - Mar. 28th, 2011 05:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - elianthos - Mar. 27th, 2011 07:29 pm (UTC) - Expand
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*_* - elianthos - Mar. 27th, 2011 11:05 pm (UTC) - Expand
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lovelylytton
Mar. 27th, 2011 07:05 pm (UTC)
Dear Darien,

my friends mock me and don't really take me seriously, even though I'm supposed to be the leader of our group.

What can I do to win their respect?

Terrified,

LavenderLover2114
venusorbit1
Mar. 27th, 2011 07:17 pm (UTC)
For one thing, quit the barely-repressed homoerotic mandates, you pussy.

Or fuck one of their gfs before they even met and drop it into casual conversation when they mock you. Like as follows:

Jason shoots a 3 over my head: "Ha, take that, bitch."
Me: "I HAD SEX WITH RAYE!!!" :D
Jason: D:

Works every time.

-D

Sent from Iphone
(no subject) - lovelylytton - Mar. 27th, 2011 07:33 pm (UTC) - Expand
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lovelylytton
Mar. 27th, 2011 07:06 pm (UTC)
Dear Zach,

my friends tell me I'm a hopeless alcoholic, when really, I just like to the take the edge off at times. Help me get them off my back.

Best,

Whiskey-is-teh-answer
venusorbit1
Mar. 27th, 2011 07:10 pm (UTC)
To Whiskey:

Shit brah i knows what you feelin'. what kind of friends are these? if they your ride-or-die bros, then give them 1/10th of your full attention because they may know your shit better than u. that should get them off yo back for a few weeks. c if they have any vices themselves, like, i dont know- COCAINE, KEVIN! or PRON, NOAH!! everyones got their shit, no one's a saint, so take it w/ grain of salt.

on the other hand, if they just some schwag haters, then fuck tha POlice, u know what i mean lol

(no subject) - lovelylytton - Mar. 27th, 2011 07:39 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - venusorbit1 - Mar. 28th, 2011 01:22 am (UTC) - Expand
satine86
Mar. 27th, 2011 07:21 pm (UTC)
Dear Zach,

The girl I like can't stand me and won't give me the time of day. I've tried to be charming, but she won't have any of it. Any ideas?

Sincerely,
Lost in the Highlands.
venusorbit1
Mar. 27th, 2011 07:28 pm (UTC)
Dear Highlands:

Hey man i might be up there this year!!! mind if i crash w/ u for a few days? I got some mean buds, bro, and dont mind sharing


for your prob: smoke some buds then give her the shocker LOL jk

confidence my young urchin!! fake it till u make it. take a few shotz of that highlander scotch and act like u's got the biggest dick on earth. well, 2nd biggest. im still alive :D


420 smoke weed everyday
lovelylytton
Mar. 27th, 2011 07:50 pm (UTC)
Dear Kevin,

you are so dreamy and I don't understand why your girlfriend minded so much about the lovely pearl necklace. I'd love to get a pearl necklace, but my boyfriend hasn't given me a present in ages. Might have to do with the fact that he built us a house a few years ago, but really, I'd love some bling! They make Hello Kitty! diamond necklaces, did you know that?

Anyway. My question is: how can I get my boyfriend to give me a nice present?

Hopeful,
I-like-them-tall-and-handsome

venusorbit1
Mar. 28th, 2011 01:15 am (UTC)
Dear Likes:

Thank you for your email. Mr. Chaston will respond at the earliest convenience.

Sincerely,
Paul McGowan


Paul McGowan
Executive Assistant
(no subject) - venusorbit1 - Mar. 28th, 2011 01:19 am (UTC) - Expand
verisimilitude9
Mar. 27th, 2011 07:52 pm (UTC)
Dear Darien,

What would you do if someone said, in your hearing, to one of the Sugars:

"Your inner thighs smell like blueberries?"

-Collects Bad Pickup Lines in Detroit
venusorbit1
Mar. 28th, 2011 12:08 am (UTC)
Dear Detroit:

That mofo would be picking his teeth out of the carpet. Keep a crowbar in your Ferrari just for that purpose. I find that a high-carbon 24" is the best choice to keep under the seat. They call them "Wrecking bars" at Home Depot, I guess because "crowbar" doesn't convey the "Imma fuck you up" like a wrecking bar does.

-D

Sent from Iphone
lovelylytton
Mar. 27th, 2011 07:54 pm (UTC)
Dear Jason,

your sister is really hot. She looks like someone I know, but can never hook up with because she's with a mate. Mind spotting me your sister's number?

Best,

Horny Journalist
venusorbit1
Mar. 28th, 2011 12:10 am (UTC)
Dear Horny:


Sure thing. Her number is (212) 555-FUCKYOU!!! That's my sister! And she's already hooked up; it's bad enough that Darien taunts me with it when we're balling.

~Jason F. Aino
Aino Designs LLC
satine86
Mar. 27th, 2011 08:07 pm (UTC)
Dear Jason,

What is your best advice for spending an entire day doing nothing when I should really be working?

(Also can I be your groupie?)

Much love, Satine.
venusorbit1
Mar. 28th, 2011 12:21 am (UTC)
Dear Satine:

Thank you for your interest in becoming a Kings of the East groupie!! Please register at our website at www.kingsoftheeasttheband.com and download our itune! In fact, download it multiple times! I need to buy Raye a birthday present really soon :\ Our next show will be at the Lumberyard; feel free to come early and my god please don't flash your breasts if there is a really hot black-haired girl in the audience. The Lumberyard is a classy place and I'd like to come back some day.

As for the nothing day: an occasional nothing day is fine as long as your getting your work done. For me, I like to take off all of my clothes, grab my Les Paul, and write some songs for my girlfriend. After Naked Time, I'll eat whatever I can forage in the fridge and maybe go for a walk to the park. A few times a week I'll meet up with my friends to play basketball at the gym, or I'll go for a run while playing "Eye of the Tiger" and pretending I'm Rocky. Here are some quick do's and don'ts for working from home:


DO:
-keep a schedule
-create an official workspace so that you stay on task
-break down big projects into smaller tasks
-spend as much time at meetings, or at a "satellite office" like a coffee place (mine is Grinders) to keep motivated
-answer all calls and emails immediately
-take frequent, short breaks

DON'T:
-get sucked into daytime TV
-surf the Internet
-go for days without showering
-become a chronic masturbator
-Play MMOs
-answer the door unless you're expecting someone. It's probably a Jehovah's Witness


~Jason F. Aino
Aino Designs LLC

ellorgast
Mar. 27th, 2011 09:00 pm (UTC)
Dear Kevin,

I don't know how to talk to girls. Especially ones who are beautiful and outgoing and full of life. I usually just don't say anything when she's around but I fear this is worsening the situation. How do I say something? What do I say? This is all very difficult.

Signed,

The Silent Type
venusorbit1
Mar. 28th, 2011 12:23 am (UTC)
Dear Silent:

Thank you for your email. Mr. Chaston will respond at the earliest convenience.

Sincerely,
Paul McGowan

Paul McGowan
Executive Assistant
(no subject) - venusorbit1 - Mar. 28th, 2011 01:03 am (UTC) - Expand
lovelylytton
Mar. 27th, 2011 10:47 pm (UTC)
Dear Ace,

as someone who has often been accused of being careless with other people and their feelings, let me ask you: are you, like me, acting out because you are suffering on the inside or are you just a dick?

And because this is an advice column, let me stick in another question: as an admirer of art, I'd like to know how would you deal with someone stealing your artwork and presenting it as their own. Yeah: hinting the hint and nudging the nudge.

Curious,

Never-to-early-for-booze

venusorbit1
Mar. 28th, 2011 01:04 am (UTC)
Dear whoever:

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about and I won't deign to respond, plebeian.

Ace

(no subject) - lovelylytton - Mar. 28th, 2011 02:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - venusorbit1 - Mar. 28th, 2011 11:52 pm (UTC) - Expand
satine86
Mar. 27th, 2011 11:55 pm (UTC)
Dear Kevin,

The love of my life has a complete wanker for an ex, any suggestions for dealing with him?

Signed,
A Curious Scotsman

venusorbit1
Mar. 28th, 2011 01:05 am (UTC)
Dear Scotsman:

Thank you for your email. Mr. Chaston will respond at the earliest convenience.

Sincerely,
Paul McGowan

Paul McGowan
Executive Assistant
(no subject) - venusorbit1 - Mar. 28th, 2011 01:07 am (UTC) - Expand
ellorgast
Mar. 28th, 2011 12:28 am (UTC)
Dear Zach,

Dude, you travel all over, right? Do you carry your weed with you? My brother's got the best shit but I'm scared to take it across the border with me. I don't want to get deported and banned from America forever.

Signed,

Homeboy
venusorbit1
Mar. 28th, 2011 01:14 am (UTC)
I'm afraid the only answer is:
ziploc up the butt yo :P

jk. before i get into it, dont even think of taking your stash to anyplace that has retardedly harsh drug trafficking laws, like thailand or singapore. they fuckin execute for shit, dude. not worth it.

ive found its much easier to get a new hookup than risk carrying across the border. good shot with bartenders, busboys, kitchen staff, housekeeping, bellhops, and club promoters.

if its bud that you srsly must share, then first, dont act like you're stashing, which means dont smoke beforehand, and dont give them any reason to search your car. have your tags current and your insurance paid up. make sure your car is in PERFECT working order. then hide a brick in a pelican case in the hidden compartment behind your glove box or under the seat.

really tho, everyone at BU is permanently stoned, so find a good hookup, and enjoy the maple leaf shit in canada only.

Peace,
Zach
ellorgast
Mar. 28th, 2011 06:20 am (UTC)
Dear Zach,

I have a thing for this girl but she's super-shy and I don't wanna scare her off but I really want to impress her and make her break out of her shell. I mean all I'd have to do is show her my nipple ring and I'm pretty sure she'll run for the hills. Got any tips?

Sincerely,
A Brother of the Hair
venusorbit1
Mar. 28th, 2011 06:41 am (UTC)
Brother man, if i knew the answer to this one, we'd both be knee deep in shy-girl pussy. unfortunately im also inked up like a squid and have a uh, checkered past if you will, and i seem to be stuck in the same friend-zone, but with occasional sex. and then post-sex guilt. shit, hold on.

*fires up huge bong*

of course *cough* my casual drug use isnt helping matters.

so, try not to be scary or intoxicated, take it slow, show a real interest in her as a person, and maybe wear long sleeves and keep your fruity nip ring under your shirt for now.

do you have a lot of money? that could help.

lovelylytton
Mar. 28th, 2011 02:33 pm (UTC)
Dear Mr. Kunzite of Mapsmut-notoriety,

you are my idol. You are always so smooth (except when you're drunk) and refined (except when you're drunker), I wish I could be like (sober) you. Please advise on how to best make women weak in the knees so that I too can fuck them on tables.

Taught-By-The-Best
venusorbit1
Mar. 29th, 2011 07:04 am (UTC)
Dear Taught:

OH teehee you thought HE had anything to do with it? Please, I had to wear the tissue-gown and get him drunk off of white lightening. He couldn't stop staring at my headlights ( o )( o ) when he thought I wasn't looking, so I pretty much knew it wouldn't take much to push him over the edge.

Soooo...I guess you'll have to wait for your own moonmaiden to come through the window and show you how to light cigarettes!

Love,
Tits McGee ( o )( o )
( 59 comments — Leave a comment )